The Upside of Shame
A sense of shame informs us what values and behaviour we respect and cherish
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Like most people, whenever someone irks me with their behaviour, mannerisms, language or eyesore outfits, my mind silently questions: Do they not have a sense of shame?
Shame is predominantly perceived as a negative, uncomfortable word. It conjures up feelings of being flawed, worthless and humiliated by those at the receiving end of shame, and judgement, snobbishness and elitism by the person pronouncing it on another. Yet shame as a concept – a set of standards and values that pinpoint what is deemed acceptable or passable in society, and what is not – is neither negative nor uncomfortable when used appropriately and within the right context.
In fact, shame holds a positive and important place in society as it highlights what we honour and respect, and what we loath and despise. This will differ from country to country, and one country’s view of shameful behaviour may be the opposite in another. But a society without shame will live with pride and indifference, an impenetrable duo that makes interaction and understanding more hostile and less reciprocal. This is why shame holds such significance.
What does shame mean in 2024, and what should it mean in future? What does society look and feel like without a sense of shame?
This is a question I’ve toyed with recently as journalists, spectators and political pundits begin to babble about the possibility of another Trump presidency in the US this year. According to political economist David Keen, we are living through a sort of shame golden age with the words “shame” and “shameless” being used more frequently than at any other time since the mid 19th century. This suggests that we are picking up on shameless behaviour and tuning into our awareness of shame. Yet the impact and effect of shame – to reflect, think and change our behaviour – has been collectively reduced or outright ignored. Why is this?
Keen argues that Trump wields political power by manipulating the shame of his supporters and putting the blame on others, in effect twisting the application of shame and how it is received. In the process, shame has become neutralised to the point of losing its meaning. It is weakness, according to the Trump School of Political Thought, and not shame that is to be deplored.
This has turned shame into something that it is not within the political and economic sphere. What does shame mean within politics now? How does the role of shame apply (or not apply) within the context of making money? Does this even matter anymore?
Prior to the internet and its cultural homogenisation, shame was a fairly straightforward and recognisable sensibility. In many instances in the past (and still present in some countries), shame was used to unfairly disempower and discriminate against certain groups, such as those who identify as LGBTQ, or condemn particular forms of behaviour such as a woman having a child outside of wedlock.
Shame is an evolving concept and provides a fascinating insight into the culture of any given time period. Asking what was condemned in the past and accepted in the present should make us think more intently about what shame means in multiple contexts and why. Similarly, identifying what is shameful to us as individuals helps us navigate our own personal truths.
Culturally, the meaning and application of shame has fundamentally altered in the social media age, causing a confusion of what we ought to be sensitive about and what we should not.
Shame’s closest relations, embarrassment and shock, has been drastically disempowered because of social media. The role of privacy has become increasingly blended with the public space, something which would have shocked the Greeks, whilst political theorist Hannah Arendt fiercely defended privacy as a fundamental right which enables us to develop and grow into our true selves. Reducing our privacy has decreased (and others heightened) our sense of shame, in turn introducing a level of coarseness in popular culture that normalises the dehumanisation of the human experience (in full view) whilst increasing mental health issues and interfering with our sense of self.
On the one hand, whilst reality TV has helped more people feel connected and seen, on the flip side of this we need to seriously question to what extent the normalisation of exposure is benefitting us and the person doing it. What was once considered shameful – for example, swearing, full nudity on TV, being uneducated or telling anyone and everyone your personal business – is no longer as shameful or as shocking as it once was. Some things deserve having shame removed from them. But other things, such as misinformation or manipulation, rightly deserved to be collectively analysed and confronted if we wish to retain respect for correct information and trust.
Shame encourages a higher standard and expectation of something.
In comparison, to not experience or appreciate the point and purpose of shame risks settling for a lower standard which can detrimentally impact our experience and potential in life. Rather than shame being viewed as a feeling of being flawed, disrespected, and disapproved of, shame can act as a great instigator for improvement and connection. This applies to both public spaces as well as within our personal lives.
Think of shame in this way. Imagine having a highly particular aunt who corrects you as a child when you aren’t using your cutlery properly, or a teacher ensuring that you pronounce a word sufficiently. A short shock of shame, in these instances, are worth it for the long-term benefits of the corrected behaviour. Such things matter, much more than we think or realise on the surface.
They ensure that we eat in an elegant manner and speak in a more confident, knowledgeable way. And as much as it provides us with greater self-respect, it also benefits the people who we spend time with whose presence we grace and whose energy we are either adding to or taking away from. At its essence, shame induces sensitivity and self-awareness within ourselves, how we feel around others and how they also feel. What we do with that feeling of shame is entirely up to us. Feeling a sense of shame teaches us more about ourselves, and in ways that we wouldn’t know if we weren’t exposed to it at different points in our lives.
Main character energy may be a popular, playful and roundabout way of emphasising our own narcissism in the social media age, but in real life reality, being aware of what you bring and contribute to a community requires a firm understanding of shame. The internet, decline of social class-based hierarchies, the explosion of individualism and rise of late-stage capitalism which has reduced the relationship between moral decency/public good and economic reward have each contributed to our understanding of shame in the current era.
Whenever I think of shameful activity or behaviour, I think of this brilliant quote by Mahatma Gandhi who pinpoints to a value system which helps navigate the application of shame:
“Seven social sins: politics without principles, wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, and worship without sacrifice.”
Shame is a dance which requires a careful balance. Too much shame means we become suspended within ourselves and distorts the positive beliefs and feelings we possess about ourselves. Too little shame means that we become disconnected from others and our environment. Could changing our perception of shame and understanding its value in society help us deepen our emotional self-awareness and enhance standards in public life? I think so.
That’s a fascinating question. I think shame often comes through annoyance, irritation and urgency. Education comes from a place of patience.
Interesting!