Very thoughtful. Brene Brown distinguishes shame from guilt saying that guilt = I did something bad and shame = I AM bad. With that understanding, shame is a kind of overreaction that distorts reality. Your post suggests that shame is less “I am bad” and more of a way of creating and sustaining societal guardrails. It’s a fleeting feeling rather than a sustained negative self-judgement. Do I understand you correctly?
How do you understand the difference between guilt and shame? And what needs to happen to ensure that shame is a brief “slap on the wrist” vs. becoming a kind of permanent self-condemnation long after the shame inducing incident occurred?
Ah I did read Brene Brown's definition of shame vs guilt whilst researching this piece and thought it was an intriguing viewpoint, although I do think her definition of shame is rather limited and simplified whilst I've attempted to explore it in a more nuanced, holistic way. A sense of shame about something often fades over time, but sticks with us if we feel particularly sensitive about something. I think it's worth exploring why this is, and why it holds so much power over us.
I do indeed think that shame is more of a way of creating and sustaining societal guardrails and standards and values that we admire and appreciate. In contrast, guilt usually indicates that we have done something wrong, either legally or our conscience/truth is at odds with something.
I'm fascinated by the idea of a world without shame. Would we really gain anything from a word without shame? Not all instances of shame are good, or even useful. But thinking of how certain societal standards have slipped over recent years (for example, making vast sums of money very quickly with no morality/discernible talent/knowledge) suggests that shame is more important than we think it is.
We all give power to the words we receive from people, more so when we respect and admire a person. I wonder why some people live with a sense of shame, whilst others don't. A level of emotional intelligence and curiosity is involved, and some people have it more than others. If someone is shamed by another, I think it's helpful that the person doing the shaming explains why, and that they are doing so for the reason of bettering the other person. Otherwise shame just turns into nastiness!
Many thanks for your thoughtful and considered feedback Dan. 😊
“I think it's helpful that the person doing the shaming explains why, and that they are doing so for the reason of bettering the other person.”
I wonder where “education and mentoring” stops and where shame steps in. Can someone be taught the etiquette around how to hold a knife and fork without being shamed? I think so. But being taught by being shamed is probably more common. Why?
Interesting!
That’s a fascinating question. I think shame often comes through annoyance, irritation and urgency. Education comes from a place of patience.
Very thoughtful. Brene Brown distinguishes shame from guilt saying that guilt = I did something bad and shame = I AM bad. With that understanding, shame is a kind of overreaction that distorts reality. Your post suggests that shame is less “I am bad” and more of a way of creating and sustaining societal guardrails. It’s a fleeting feeling rather than a sustained negative self-judgement. Do I understand you correctly?
How do you understand the difference between guilt and shame? And what needs to happen to ensure that shame is a brief “slap on the wrist” vs. becoming a kind of permanent self-condemnation long after the shame inducing incident occurred?
Ah I did read Brene Brown's definition of shame vs guilt whilst researching this piece and thought it was an intriguing viewpoint, although I do think her definition of shame is rather limited and simplified whilst I've attempted to explore it in a more nuanced, holistic way. A sense of shame about something often fades over time, but sticks with us if we feel particularly sensitive about something. I think it's worth exploring why this is, and why it holds so much power over us.
I do indeed think that shame is more of a way of creating and sustaining societal guardrails and standards and values that we admire and appreciate. In contrast, guilt usually indicates that we have done something wrong, either legally or our conscience/truth is at odds with something.
I'm fascinated by the idea of a world without shame. Would we really gain anything from a word without shame? Not all instances of shame are good, or even useful. But thinking of how certain societal standards have slipped over recent years (for example, making vast sums of money very quickly with no morality/discernible talent/knowledge) suggests that shame is more important than we think it is.
We all give power to the words we receive from people, more so when we respect and admire a person. I wonder why some people live with a sense of shame, whilst others don't. A level of emotional intelligence and curiosity is involved, and some people have it more than others. If someone is shamed by another, I think it's helpful that the person doing the shaming explains why, and that they are doing so for the reason of bettering the other person. Otherwise shame just turns into nastiness!
Many thanks for your thoughtful and considered feedback Dan. 😊
“I think it's helpful that the person doing the shaming explains why, and that they are doing so for the reason of bettering the other person.”
I wonder where “education and mentoring” stops and where shame steps in. Can someone be taught the etiquette around how to hold a knife and fork without being shamed? I think so. But being taught by being shamed is probably more common. Why?